I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
