My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
