I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
