oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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