...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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