I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
