Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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