You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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