instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
