Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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