Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize