i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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