if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Randomize
