why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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