So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
