I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
