dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
