I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
