Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
