you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
