you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize