the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
