If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
