I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
