youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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