You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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