My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
