you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
