She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
