I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
