I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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