Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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