We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
