if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
