I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
