pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
