if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize