only if we run a train.
done.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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