Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
