So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
