So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Are we in a gay sports bar?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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