I should be sponsored by Trojan
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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