He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
