my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
