If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude i'm inner monologue high
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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