I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
