i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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