Your dad touched me again.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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