Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
