I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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