I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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