My friends, they love my intelligence
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
