i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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