i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
