so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
where am i from again
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she told me i tasted like america
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just want to make out with him forever
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
