I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize