If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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