I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
