Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
and she was petting her beer can
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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