She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
