I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
