Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
