four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize