did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize