You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
