Already got asked if we're dating
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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