Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
