I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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