So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize