He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
