Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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