I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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