so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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