Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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